For teens and parents of teens

If a man has a wayward and defiant son, who does not heed his father or mother and does not obey them even after they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his town at thepublic place of his community. They shall say to the elders of his town, "This son of ours is disloyal and defiant; he does not heed us. He is a glutton and a drunkard." Thereupon the men of his town shall stone him to death. Thus you will sweep out evil from your midst: All Israel will hear and be afraid. Deut 21:18-21

Ah, the ben zorer ("defiant son", read "rebellious teenager"). What to do? Is it fathomable that parents would bring their defiant son before the community to have him stoned? Let it be said that of the only 2 instances of the death penalty being carried out in Torah, neither was for a ben zorer (defiant son). In fact, there is no record that this law was ever carried out.

What shall we say then, that the Israelites ignored this law? Heaven forbid. It is the very Word of God. But it is also very troubling to our conscience. The text must be examined very closely. And we must try to make sense of this very troubling passage.

First, context. This passage comes after laws dealing with women captured in war and the rights of the firstborn son, even if he be born of an unloved woman. Why does this passage come here? To teach that if a man take a woman captive in war and have a son with her, the son is likely to be rebellious. Why rebellious? Unknown. But perhaps because he was the product of a relationship from war rather than marriage blessed by God. Just because you can take a woman captive in war doesn't mean you should have sex with her. (Consider the relationship between the fifth and tenth commandments "honor your parents" and "don't covet" If one covets another man's wife and has a child with her, their son is not likely to honor them.)

Consider all the elements that have to come into play for a defiant son to be able to be put to death.

First, only those subject to the commandments could be put to death. This meant the son had to be at least 13 years old. (That idea is found in rabbinic writings that came after the Torah was written. It has been accepted ever since as the age at which a boy becomes subject to the commandments-i.e. responsible for his violation of Torah.) A child under that age is not held to the same standard of law as an adult.

Secondly, no one can be put to death except on the testimony of at least two witnesses. This is why BOTH parents have to come before the community. And they must speak together with one voice. If the father is willing that his son should die, but the mother is not (or vice versa) there can be no death sentence. If there is any deviation or hesitation on either parent in their testimony, there can be no death sentence.

Now, what must happen before the parents can bring their child forward? He is wayward and defiant (does not honor his father and mother; does not revere his mother and father; curses his parents; strikes his parents-Ex 21:15, 17. Lev 20:9. Deut 27:16). He does not heed his father or mother AND does not obey them even after they discipline him.

Then, his father and mother shall take hold of him. If either parent was maimed, there was no death sentence, for one who is maimed, cannot take hold).

And bring him out to the elders of his town. If either parent was lame, there could be no death sentence, for one who is lame, cannot bring another out.

And say to the elders-if either was mute, there could be no death sentence, for one who is mute cannot speak.

"This son of ours" (If either parent was blind, there could be no death sentence, for one who is blind cannot say so).

"He does not heed us" i.e. hearken to our voice (If either parent was deaf, there could be no death sentence, for one who is deaf, cannot hear).


But must these be literal physical limitations? On the contrary. When you read, "Take hold" consider that if niether parent raises their hand to stop their child from bad behavior, there can be no death penalty. Verse 18 admonishes the parents to discipline their son.

Similarly with "bring him out". If neither parent walks in the way of the Lord by doing what is just and right, they cannot expect their son to do the same. This is meaning of "lame."

So too, if the parents were blind to their son's behavior, they cannot say our son is a glutton and a drunk. They turned a blind eye to their son's excesses.

And so too, if they were deaf to their son's cries for help (destructive behavior is often attention seeking) they had no cause to have him stoned.


Suppose all these requirements could be met, can the defiant son then be stoned? The Mishnah (written codification of the Oral Tradition compiled in 200 CE by Rabbi Judah ha Nasi) reports that the parents must admonish the child before three judges. And the judges must give a stern warning to the child. And if he does not regard their warning, he is scourged. If he remains unrepetant, he is tried before twenty-three judges (3 of whom must be the original 3 judges). Because the parents have to say "this our son" i.e. our son who was scourged before you.

Who then does the stoning? The men of the community. NOT the parents. There is no provision that allows parents to kill their children. I wonder if a parent would allow someone else to stone his/her son?

So we see that this law was almost impossible to carry out and in fact there is no record that it ever actually happened. Why then was it written? The last part of verse 21 gives one answer: "All Israel will hear and be afraid." The level of punishment for a crime dictates how serious a crime is. The penalty of death is the most serious punishment.

Why then was being a wayward and defiant son considered so serious? Deut 6 commands parents to diligently teach their children the words of the Lord. The covenant given by HaShem at Sinai is not just for those who stood at Sinai but for all future generations. If a son is defiant and rebellious and doesn't heed the instructions of his parents, the chain is broken. The covenant dies with that generation. But this is to be a covenant for all time.

This passage on the ben zorer teaches the importance of children honoring their parents and of parents acting worthy of honor.