1 and 2 Opinions

On dating...1 Opinions 3:1-5

And the lovesick desperately seeking boyfriend and girlfriend advice came to the site and poured out their hearts and asked the most important question in the universe: What do I do? And those wise of heart responded, do your homework, worry not about boyfriends and girlfriends, focus on God, wait until you're ready for marriage, and gave other such words of wisdom. And the ones seeking affirmation of their desires to lead a sinful life stopped their ears and cried out, you don't understand! And behold, they felt disrespected and there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.


On the proper diet...1 Opinions 11:6-8

6. And thou shalt eat the cheesecake not for one day or for one week or for a month or a year but all the days of thy life. 7. Yea, thou shalt eat it until it comes out of thy nostrils. 8. And thou shalt love the cheesecake even unto thy death.

On what Jesus looked like... 1 Opinions 12:1-15

And it came to pass that the people inquired, what did Jesus look like? And some said he had blonde hair and blue eyes. And some said he had brown hair and brown eyes. And still others said he was tall of statute and strong of muscle. And yet others said he was slight of build. And they were all of them lacking in eyewitness accounts or physical proof. For in truth, there were no photographs or video taken of the Nazarene. And those who knew him personally have gone to their eternal reward and left no physical description of him in their records called Gospels. And in the New Testament it is said that he was the son of Mary, of the house of David. Verily, he was a Jew by birth. And he had the Middle Eastern complexion and features of Jews from that region. The same features can be seen on his brethren today who still live in that area. But the people persisted in their belief of a white man with blonde hair and blue eyes as he is so often depicted in various paintings, drawings and films, from ancient times even to this day. And the people pointed at DaVinci's last supper and said, 'see, this is what he looked like.' And none thought to inquire whether DaVinci had been extended an invitation to the Last Supper and had arranged the Master and his Disciples just so and had them hold their poses until such time as he was finished painting.

On writing well (See also 2 Opinions 5:1-4)

1 Opinions 23:1-10And the teenager spake thusly: I will type however I wish to type. Do not criticize my spelling and grammar. It is faster and easier for me to type this way. And since we are using the internet, we should be allowed to type differently.And the lovers of the English language and her defenders against such violent attacks bade stone the teenager with stones.And the teacher bade them sit down and said, he among you who has never made a spelling error or used incorrect grammar either through laziness or ignorance, cast the first stone. And they put down their stones and went away. And the teacher said, where are those who condemn you? And the teenager answered, there are none. And the teacher said, niether do I condemn you. Go, and violate the English language no more.

On taking advice... 1 Opinions 25:14-17

And thou shalt not take the advice of those who say "do your homework". But thou shalt surely call such advice stupid. And thou shalt surely denounce those who presume to know what they speaketh about by tellin them to shut up. Verily, I say unto you, any of you who accept the words of these false teachers have no share in the world to come, in Paradise, amen.

On banishing debates...1 Opinions 40:1-81.

And the administrator held forth and spoke to all the users and said, behold, these seven Truths shall not be mocked, debated or refuted. 2. And there came a man who hurled a question in the administrator's face: Why? Why is discussion and debate banned?3. And other users replied to his question only to find the thread deleted.4. And the thread would be resurrected and struck down again. Like the hydra that fought Hercules, as one head was cut off, two grew in its place.5. And the administrator had enough and man's profile was in fact banned.6. And grievious in the eyes of other users was this ban.7. For he often would hold forth with unpopular opinions. But his arguments were well reasoned and well written. And while he showed respect to those deserving of it, he bowed before no man.8. And indeed his posts were even a reason that others came to the site, including one with the surname SquarePants.


On spamming....2 Opinions 3:1-10

1. And the theme of the thread shall be spam. 2. Thou shalt spam and spam and spam. Yea, thou shalt certainly spamalot. 3. And the posts shall have naught to do with one another. 4. And if a common theme be found among the posts, verily they shall be deleted. 5. Behold, it has been told thee what is good and what the moderator doth require; 6. But to spam and to make nonsense and to post often. 7. And lo, thy posts shall increase and fill the forum and great shall be the confusion of those who come after thee. 8. And the users shall be overwhelmed by the spam. 9. And there shall be much rejoicing. 10. Let it be so even now, amen.


On writing well (see also 1 Opinions 23:1-10)...2 Opinions 5:1-4

There shall be found among you none who are lazy in speech or writing of the English language. Thou shalt diligently teach thy son and thy son's son the correct spelling and usage of words, the correct usage of verb tense and pronouns, the correct usage of contractions, and further elements of style. And in time to pass, when thy son shall ask thee, "what doest thou mean by all these rules of spelling and grammar?" Then thou shalt say unto him, "it is because of what the Lord did for me in freeing me from the bondage of intellectual laziness."

On “no asl”...2nd Opinions 27:1-24

And behold it came to pass that the people would bombard the chatroom with "asl"? And they did send pm's to unsuspecting users in which the first question asked was 'asl'. And they held forth and said, "i want to no who im talking too." And they would invariably follow "asl?" with "do you have a bf (gf)?" And verily it was plain to see that they wanted to hook up. And the powers that be did ban the asking of asl in the main chat. And the people did circumvent by asking asl in pm's. And lo the bombardment of asl did grow tiresome and weary. And it was decided by even the author of this passage, that the renunciation of stating asl would be a tenant of the faith. Yea, he who has ears to hear, let him hear. Dost thou want to know a user's asl? Go to the profile. And shoulds't thou say, the profile is locked. Verily, there must be a good reason for it. And hast thou asked to be that person's buddy and been rebuffed? Take heart; it is no personal reflection upon thee, but rather a statement by that particular user not to accept every buddy request. And shoulds't thou demand the right to know a user's asl, consider that user's right to privacy. And ponder in thine heart why asl is of such importance to thee and if knowing asl will assist thee in preaching the Gospel even to the ends of the earth. For if the Gospel was given to make disciples of all nations, what does it matter the age, sex and location of those who hear the Gospel? Behold, it is said: "And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days." Joel 2:28-29

And it is said, "the earth will be full of the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea." Isaiah 11:9

And it is said, "On that day, the Lord shall be king over all the earth. The Lord shall be One and His Name shall be One." Zechariah 14:9